First and foremost, I am the author known as (Driver) Jim Ohki on fanfiction.net. After browsing the web looking for a second host site outside of hpfanficarchive.com, I decided on AFF.  So, with that out of the way . . .

!UPDATE! NEW FOR 06-19-12; Greetings from Westminster, CO

!IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT!: As both of my stories either are or will venture into the R/NC-17 range and the dorks that run ffnet have gotten it in their heads to do as they please again, I've no recourse but to move. While ffnet will get watered-down versions that will be missing pieces of plot; here and hpfanficarchive will get the original cuts.  I will maintain my Forum on ffnet, as with three sites I do believe there's more than enough chances for people to try to take my head off.

Magical Maturity Part Eight is now up for consumption!

FORUM:

http://www.fanfiction.net/myforums/Driver_Jim_Ohki/130075/

OTHER SITE I POST TO:

http://www.hpfanficarchive.com

WORKS:

Magical Catastrophe is based on my Challenge Prompt from hpfanficarchive.com "A different kind of harem". Snape, tinkering with a branch of Necromancy that Voldemort wouldn't touch, comes close to reviving Lily Evans-Potter. However, the one thing he didn't take into account was the resident Poltergeist. Please note that the Lemons will be implied only, unless a specific action has to take place. This is to avoid the common Plot Crater Lemons make with the Copy and Paste method of boredom and tediousness. Status: Suspended-Pulled for rewrite; quality control

Magical Maturity is based on the idea that the age of Majority, 17, is when the magicals come into their full potential. However, since it is Harry and he is the last Potter, his occurs four years early and the results are rather spectacular. Possibly featuring Manipulative!Dumbles. Oh, and Whump!Weasley, Thump!Weasley, Bash!Weasley to come. STATUS: In Progress

PCPIBLS Arc Two part Three is completely stalled. I recently stumbled over a seldom used plot device and felt that it would be better and far less cliche to run with it. STATUS: Suspended pending retool

Left Behind is a Stargate/Potterverse crossover that was spawned by the plot vehicle of the Founders being true Ascended and with Harry being their Heir being a partial-Ascended himself. Still working out the bugs in this piece though. Status: WIP, Slow Updates

Future Works:

Family Ties is a HP/Ranma/Naruto crossover that may never really get off the ground. I had a random thought about Nodoka/Lily/Kushina being sisters but am having issues getting the plot to work to my standards.

That's pretty much it for future works, although I've a few rather cliche and hence mediocre ideas floating around.

Things about stupid fanfiction I despise with a passion:

1.) Spelling errors that are constant. I know I make the occasional error, we all do for we are human and have our whoops moments. However, when an easy word like DOES is repeatedly switched for DOSE, it makes me wonder how the author got out of school without quitting. DOES: "How DOES he do that?". DOSE: "What should the proper DOSE of the medication be?". See how that works? Simple, no? This includes Punctuation, Capitalization.

2.) Grammar is really important! No, it's not me being a nitpicker about the flow. The better the grammar is, the easier it is for the human imagination to visualize what we're reading thus making for higher enjoyment levels. So when I come across a fic that it pure garbage in this department enough said. In this category is Sentence Structure, Syntax, Paragraph Structure.

3.) Plotlines that if written properly would be good instead are turned to rubbish. Oh, this is a major pet peeve of mine for this is a CONSTANT on this and every other fic site out there. Seriously, those of us that have graduated high school/gotten GED's/graduated college have a good grasp of the mechanics of writing. After all, when in the workforce the eternal enemy of mankind called PAPERWORK exists. I've seen many a good plotline crash and burn simply because the author was apparently not educated enough to put everything together in a way that would make sense to the readers.

4.) Improper word usage. The American version of English takes one word and depending on what surrounds it determines the usage. After all, we have there; their and they're, three words spelled different with different meanings yet pronounced the same. The occasional whoops moment as mentioned above I'll overlook. But when HERE -being a PLACE- is a replacement for HEAR -and this, I have to rant on. People, you HEAR with your EAR. HELLO, I LEARNED THIS IN THE FIRST GRADE IN A RURAL FARM TOWN! It's not that hard to get this one right for that example there. HERE - THERE, being PLACES, again just add a T to HERE. There's all kinds of this category that drive me up the wall, like switching PATIENTS -people under medical care- with PATIENCE -human willpower before we melt and start . . . hmmm, seems I've lost my patience with this already- so on and so forth.

5.) "This plot is cool I'm gonna run with it!". Hey, for that I say cool HOWEVER you have to be careful if it's just outrageous. There is no point to any fic when the main character is the living version of God -whichever version fits your mindset- that never has anything wrong happen to them. Look at every book written, yes even the Bible or whichever religious text you choose, and every movie made and what do you see? STRIFE. Human kind cannot under any circumstances grow without strife and conflict in our lives; be it from just not knowing proper English to controlling the fuel supplies to whatever you want. The phrase "Learning from our past mistakes" is derived from this after all. We've been this way for the past . . . what, seven thousand years now? If there's no strife/conflict, there's no desire to grow, stagnation sets in and like a bad plotline we DIE. That simple. An example of this would be something similar to Naruto; Kishimoto has made the villians so strong that the only way to fix it is a God!Naruto.

6.) Review Whores. Yes, I'm being blunt with this. If you have to write fanfiction to feel good about your LIFE you seriously need help. This is a hobby, a reason to really cut loose and exercise our minds not look for approval from our peers. Most of the time, I'll just not review whenever I see any type of begging unless I truly have an opinion about whatever it was that I just read. But to threaten to stop writing because nobody will review despite your groveling and generally making yourself look like a pentulant child? Go seek therapy! This is NOT to be confused with a simple "read and review"; something like that is almost expected anymore. It's when you go beyond that I have a problem.

7.) The inability to spell small numbers. People, this is so easy my left butt cheek can do it! The numbers range from three letters (one, two, six, ten) to five (three, seven, eight) with the rest being four (zero, four, five, nine). Why is it so hard to spell these out? I thought that whole spiel up in fifteen seconds for crying out loud. Hell, zero through twenty are all single words. Beyond that is just hythenation (twenty-one so on and so forth). It just ruins the flow of a fic to suddenly see a number in the middle of a sentence.

8.) Laziness is not kosher! Nothing will get under my skin more than chopped words. It's one thing if those words are that way due to the 'dome they come from, it's something else when the author is apparently a five year old. Chopped words like tho (though), thru (through) are NOT proper words at all people. Oh, I hear the argument about THRU and various other abbrieviations. THRU is the abbrieviation of THROUGH (go find a ROAD CLOSED TO THRU TRAFFIC sign) simply to save space. In published works, writing the bare minimum will get you nothing but flak from people like me. Now then, if it's the way of the canon then I've no complaints -i.e. 'comm' from Star Wars is CANON, therefore in that genre it's okay when used properly.

9.) Dumb chapter length. This is another of my major peeves, as I won't read a fic that has chapters that are too short. Math is easy folks, when I see fifteen chapters at thirty thousand words that tells me all I need to know. The minimum I'd like is the three thousand mark; quality over quantity and all that jazz. That, and there is no need for cliffhangers every single chapter, it gets real old real fast. Yes, I know finding a good place to stop is hard; however consider this. Instead of constantly bombarding us with the hangers stop at a scene change/time skip. If you balance it right, it'll work AND eliminate the need for filler chapters with information you should've given out already. If I see forty chapters at twenty thousand words just quit being an author, period. That is SO a waste of time.

10.) Repetition. Information in a fic is good, this way we know what's going on. We don't need it repeated fifty times to UNDERSTAND it. This is a bad filler idea too, since essentially all it is, is Copy and Paste LAZINESS i.e. Number Eight above.

11.) Excessive Commentary. We don't need or truthfully care for collaboration authors/betas blabbering at the beginning/ending of chapters thinking it's funny. It's NOT, trust me on this. One of my Favorite Stories is actually in danger of being stripped of that title if the author doesn't knock it off with the unneccesary crap. Am I being too strict in my standards? Probably, however I'm there to read a fic not attempts at humor/FILLER that if the Admins around here had their way would get stories tossed left right and center. This includes in fic review responses. It's one thing to simply say thank you to the reviewers. It's another when half of the chapter is wasted like this.

12.) Hot tempers. I've seen many an author quit/whine/cry over reviews. Well, if you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen as the saying goes. Even going so far as to disable anonymous reviewing is lame simply because you wish to have the means to yell at people that criticize your work. On the flip side, don't spend five thousand words yelling at reviewers for stating their opinions, this makes you look like a petulant five year-old having a temper tantrum; especially if the reviewer has a valid point.

13.) Yaoi/Fem!Hero. I would've said slash but I adore a well written Yuri like no other. Most of the problem I have with the Yaoi is that people continuously write unrealistic pairings (i.e Potter/Snape, Potter/Malfoy, Potter/Riddle etc et al). Of all the books/movies/anime I've seen, only one character (other than in Philadelphia) comes close to being eligible for Yaoi: Haku from Naruto. This is because, damn is it hard to tell if that's a boy or a girl. If that's a boy that's the most bishonen I've ever seen let me tell you what. At the same time, why in the nine levels of hell people turn the main hero female I'll never understand. Yeah, we had enough of that in Ranma people and that was only a water-based curse! It's one thing if the main hero gets dumped into bizarro-alt world where the sexes of EVERYBODY is reversed (but the main character/hero stays the same) but to twist the hero into a heroine then pair them with somebody they'd never be paired with anyway? Uh, no; doesn't work that way. Sorry.

14.) Belief that a plotline is overused. No two people have the same imagination. If I wanted to, I could take the "Narutoverse hired to protect Potterverse" plotline and make something grand out of it. No plotline is ever overused; it only gets that title from being poorly written again and again. It all comes down to your style, organization and writing ability. At the same time, make an original plotline if you feel the elements have been melded one way too many times. This is how I operate; my original works have original plotlines behind them; yes I list inspirations and give out warnings that the plot might look familiar. This is to cover myself while giving credit where it's due.

15.) Usage of the word "said". While this one falls under proper word usage, it gets its own category due to people not understanding that there are many, many ways to have the characters interact with each other without constantly using 'said'. Some of the worst fics I've seen even use the word for questions . . . uh, ABSOLUTELY NOT people. Take a gander at my own original works and see how many times I use said. Not often, is it? Nope, I come up with ways to describe emotions, body movements, facial expressions and whatnot without having 'said' or lately any variants of it following dialouge. When you use the word that many times it makes your story feel like listening to a six year old child talk about their day and thus completely pointless to read.

16.) People who praise bad work/don't correct mistakes. I do review surf on top of actually checking stories out to see how good they are or aren't. When many, MANY, many people tell you that what you have is garbage LISTEN TO THEM and not the people that actually LIKE the crap dared to be called fanfiction. The author here on ffnet known as freowin is a prime example of this. Myself and many others have told this dude to go away due to crap writing skills yet he's still around because just as many people say he's an awesome writer. Now then, if you take the time to FIX YOUR MISTAKES, I'll gladly tell you as much and praise your work then. The people who praise crap writing? Go back to school and see how it's truly done.

17.) Authors that need betas but refuse to get them/bad betas. This one is self-explanatory and ties in with sixteen above. Good on you for trying and all that, however if you're not fluent in English find somebody who is. No, I'm not picking on you for being in a different part of the world; rather imagine somebody like . . . me, who has no knowledge of any other language paying a visit and butchering yours. Betas themselves should hold themselves to a higher standard, and should not in fact be your friend from your youth simply because they'll more than likely agree to whatever your style is since it's you.

18.) MPREG. While this would be under the Yaoi category, this section is dedicated to the people who don't understand biology. For the love of all people, it is IMPOSSIBLE for a male of any species that reproduces sexually to give birth! So, get it into your mind that this is a BAD THING and a complete waste of time. Yes, I've seen Junior and no it wasn't even close to realistic. As a man myself, I give cudos and props to every female out there for keeping the human race going. I'd never be able to squeeze something the size of a melon out a hole the size of a marble! I even asked my best female friend how she did it, she looked at me like I was stupid for trying to understand. So yeah, don't even bother writing this if you want people like me to read it.

19.) Bad Summaries. The summary is a way to tease the readers into the fic, so it's of the utmost importance that your spelling is impeccable! Yes there is a character limit to most summaries on sites like ffnet, so it's perfectly okay to have an expanded summary at the top of the first chapter. What is not kosher is using the Summary for the Disclaimer, violating rule seven above, insulting what would be your readers, blatantly telling us to read the fic to find out what's going on . . . things like that are annoying and a waste of time. I judge most fics by the Summary, if it looks like crap or is uninformative I'm not going to be reading your works.

20.) Continuity. People, when you write a fic remember what facts you change! It does absolutely no good to Exonerate Sirius in one chapter then have him right back in his original situation in the next. So long that whatever items of the plotline are canonical, and from there whatever your plot device is, if you keep it on the straight and narrow you'll have a much better fic.

21.) CANON WHORES. The bolding of the number is intentional for this is becoming a larger problem as time goes on. People, let me spell it out for you in big bold print. ALL FAN FICTIONS ARE ALTERNATE PLOT DEVICES, NO MATTER IF IT ENDS THE EXACT SAME WAY CANON DOES. HAVING THE MAJORITY OF YOUR WORK AS CANON CAN BE TAKEN AS PLAGARISM WHICH HAS NASTY CONSEQUENCES. Do not confuse this with writing a fic that has more of what happens in the background than actual canon; those fics are perfectly fine so long that actual canon events are glossed over as the reader should know them. The other end of this spectrum are the Reviewing Canon Whores who whine and cry about a story not being actual canon. You want that, go buy the books/watch the movies/whatever you need to do to get the canon information. Do not come onto a FANFICTION site and demand that we produce CANON MATERIAL. That's theft, and if enough stupid people do it the damnable Law will get involved and at the least shut all fanfic sites down. You'll note that most all authors/studios do not mind what we do so long that we do not steal their work and give credit where it's due. It's actually fun to see completely new plot devices/situations that they just couldn't work in/didn't want to to mantain where they were going.

22.) Reading of Series. Oh yes, I've got a special place just for you. Take note of twenty-one above and add in the policy on ffnet of NO MSTS ALLOWED. To do the Reading Of you have to plagarize already published work and then MST it with various characters. Are you trying to ruin it for the rest of us? To make it even better, somebody asked me just what a MST is so I've go off on a tangent here for a moment. MSTing is taken from Mystery Science Theatre, a TV show in which various other shows/movies are ripped to shreds for comedic value. To MST in writing one must COPY PUBLISHED WORK, EITHER BY A PAID AUTHOR OR FANFICTION and insert lines of text be various characters (from either the same or different series) for the mentioned comedic value or because one author doesn't like another. Since some people around here can't catch on, I'll stop before going into a ten minute rant about idocy.

23.) Harem/Multi Haters. Look, there's a difference between how the minds of men and women work. Us guys, no matter how much we deny it, would love to have the ability/chance to get groovy with as many females as we can punishment free. It's even better when they join in with each other. Yes, every single man on the face of the Universe is a pervert. Some of us express it in our fanfictions, knowing that it's the only way it'll ever happen while some go way to far. Then, you get the Haters: those that can't fathom a multi-pairing to save their lives. The whole is only as great as the sum of its parts and whatnot; the idea of Harems/Multis have taken on a bad rap from bad writing ability. A lot of it is that the author in question will Gary Stu the plot, making it unbelievable to us readers. So, since some of you ladies insist on freak yaoi MPREG crap you'll just have to tolerate having stories like these around.

This section will have more added to it as time goes on . . .

If anybody wants a copy I took the time to create a Black Family Tree based on the ties on Wikipedia for my fic Magical Maturity. It took a bit of effort and guesswork as there are missing links here and there.

You want an idea of where I've been? There are only three states that I've yet to go to: North Dakota, Vermont and Maine.

I use the http://www.xe.com/ucc/ conversion site to ease (or increase) the confusion on (insert Yen/Pounds/Euros/Pecos/etc. here) to Dollar amounts. The site adjusts for markets in all countries.

The rule still applies: if you can't tell me something I don't know, DO NOT BOTHER.

I know I am not the best writer out there . . . if I was, I'd retire from truck driving to write novels that I'd actually get paid for. Plain and Simple. Yes, I am an ass when it comes to poorly written fics, so don't bother yelling at me for flamage.

(Driver) Jim Ohki